What Makes Us Really Happy?

I'm going to take another slightly more personal turn to get at a bigger issue: happiness.

I'm having a great debate with everyone about being 'happier' without my former best friend. I was not unhappy as her friend. Yes, there were obviously issues or else it wouldn't have ended, but they mostly were ignored in the day-to-day of our friendship. But I've been wondering why they consider me happier, because if it's just in the context of my misery and frustration before things blew up, then that is not a true representation of how I typically felt as her friend. I know that I am better off without her, but does being 'better off' equate with being happier than previously? I can't help but say 'No'. It's not always true that you're happier when 'better off'. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff since that point, not all of it has made me 'happy'. Yet I wouldn't return to the relationship ever again. Also, I generally think of happiness as being conditional on some 'happening', and thus, more likely to be fleeting.

However, ignoring my own personal pedantic issues with the term 'happy', it seems that so many people aren't. There is an obsession with pursuing happiness--there are mass amounts of books on the subject, so clearly there is a market there--and yet it seems the lucky few actually achieve it. Why is this? I've clearly got my own theories, but I'd like to hear your thoughts as well.

I've been having a discussion lately that touches slightly on this: the dreaded rat race. How many people hate their jobs or, at the very least, don't love what they do? Society seems to tell us that if we don't accomplish A, B, C and D by a certain point in our lives, we're doing something wrong. But not everyone is designed for the 9 to 5 work-a-day life. Many of the things Western society tells us are important are not very meaningful. So many people lie to themselves to convince themselves that they're happy or will be happy, if only....(fill in the blank); and so many others just lie to others to keep up the façade that they really are happy. If you want proof of this, just check out five-secrets.com. I by no means presume to have a formula for how to achieve happiness, but I do think it's different for everybody. Whatever is important to you, focusing on that will make you happier than you would be otherwise. But life isn't necessarily supposed to be pleasant all the time. Besides, if it was, we wouldn't appreciate how good it really was if it was all good all the time. You would get complacent, apathetic. We need the highs and lows to balance each other out. You appreciate colourful spring more because of the cold, dark winter that precedes it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts...

The Nature of Truth

I've been pondering truth lately. Not in the 'truth is relative' way, but how does one arrive at the truth? Part of this was puzzled over in a religious context, but I think it applies regardless. It seems the only way to come to the full realization of the truth of any given situation or conflict comes from viewing all sides. Otherwise, you are only seeing a fraction of the truth. The reality is the truth is often very complicated. Many things are not black and white. There are shades of gray in many situations.

It always annoys me that people fail to see the other side of things. It all boils down to a refusal to empathize and oftentimes to people's avoidance of conflict. And yet conflict can help bring the truth to light. When it comes to differing doctrinal views within a single religion, it can be a way of teasing out the truth of the issue being debated. However, it seems all too often they choose to break away and condemn the others' views instead of trying to truly understand one another. The same could be said for so many day-to-day conflicts: we so often are so utterly entrenched in our views that we fail to listen to what the other person has to say. Honestly, maybe they have something to say that never occurred to you and might better inform your own views, even if you disagree with the other person.

To take a bit of a tangent, I sincerely believe the truth is its purest form is a radical thing... and also something a great many people avoid. Michael Yaconelli has a fantastic quote in his book Messy Spirituality:

Unfortunately, people can handle the most difficult issues more easily than they can handle the lack of pretending. When you and I stop pretending, we expose the pretending of everyone else.

As a non-pretender, I've found that this is entirely true. People like to be selective with the truth and believe that politically correct and 'not rocking the boat' is the best option. But people--if they are willing to hear it--really appreciate honest truth. It doesn't have to mean you have no tact (as I've been accused of in the past), it means not stroking someone's ego purely out of avoidance of conflict and, if your 'honesty' does not come from a vengeful place, then it will be in the other person's best interests and will help them grow. We all have a blind spot to ourselves. But I digress....

A Definition of "Nice" / "Consider It"

I was trying to think of what to post about next, but it seems life has a way of redirecting your thought processes sometimes. I'm trying to contain a rant, so forgive me if this doesn't come across as deeply philosophical. So, here goes:

There is a girl I know who has a major superiority complex. In keeping with this attitude, she likely believes that we're all too stupid to pick up on this. And yet, no one I know likes her in large part due to her attitude. It's almost palpable at times. I got into yet another altercation with her today--it seems I'm the only one willing to take a stand where she's concerned--and it got me thinking about a couple of things:
1. What is it that makes someone 'nice'?
2. Is common courtesy really such an antiquated notion?


This girl is one of the most talkative people I've ever met. She considers herself to be very 'friendly'. To an extent this is true, but clearly being chattier does not make you a nicer person. Nice people are liked; she is not. But then, what makes someone nice? According to the dictionary:

nice /naɪs/ –adjective
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful.
2. amiably pleasant; kind.

Hmm, now, to an extent you could call this girl 'nice' with a definition like that, but her niceness is superficial--she's compensating for her air of superiority. I find it interesting that 'kind' is listed as a definition of 'nice', which has a slightly more specific definition:

kind /kaɪnd/ –adjective
1. of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person.
2. having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence.
3. indulgent, considerate, or helpful; humane (often fol. by to).

con·sid·er·ate /kənˈsɪdərɪt/ –adjective
1. showing kindly awareness or regard for another's feelings, circumstances, etc.

And my own personal favourite definition of considerate: you 'consider it', 'it' being another person's feelings. If by the thread of definition, 'nice' people are generally thought of as kind and considerate, thereby making them typically helpful and aware of things/people outside of themselves, then this girl is not 'nice'. This ties well into my issue with whether courtesy is relevant in the present or become an antiquated notion.

The reason for the altercation was over a minor issue, but it was a courtesy and cooperation issue. We needed the same general area and she decided to block my access to the space. I thought perhaps this was due to a lack of awareness (I can forgive obliviousness) and told her I would need to share the space a bit longer and it made more sense for her to allow free access by both of us by simply moving the object she had placed in the way. This would have been no problem, but she argued with me; essentially only to say that her needs were more important than mine. They weren't. We were doing the same thing in the same area, our needs were equal.

Courtesy seems like a dying art almost, and yet it is what makes social interaction a pleasant experience. It's a sign of respect. It makes the other person feel goodand, in turn, yourself. Courtesy is more likely to be reciprocated than initiated, so even if you're selfish, it's in your own best interests because people will generally be nicer and more helpful in return to your kindness. Also, if you're wanting to make a good impression on someone, being 'nice' or courteous is going to help you in that endeavour.

I know a lot of this sounds utterly simple and obvious, but having dealt with this girl and others like her, it proves to me that not everyone understands. Being perceived as 'nice' is somewhat dependent on courtesy and respect. Having a superior air about yourself is not the way to gain friends, but enemies. Humility is underrated, even in the church apparently--because this girl is deeply religious, but not even close to being humble.

I think one of the nicest things people can do for one another is to simply listen to one another. Genuinely listen, not just pretending to pay attention while you wait for your turn to talk.

Agree? Disagree? Want to add your 2 cents? Leave a message.

The Masks We Wear

I've been frequenting www.five-secrets.com recently and its various offshoots on Twitter and Facebook. The interesting thing about sites like this and PostSecret is that when we're stripped of our superficial identifying marks: names, faces, etc. that we're really all quite similar. People respond to the vulnerability shown on these sites, and I don't think it's purely out of voyeurism.

There are a lot of horrible secrets that get posted, yet so often those things we thought we were alone in can be related to by more people than we would ever have expected. I suppose the same could be said for the entirety of the internet, yet somehow these sites seem to have more truth in them. People drop their masks and are completely real, even if just temporarily because they are anonymous. It's a shame that that kind of honesty and vulnerability are seen so rarely in our personal relationships. We're so often afraid we'll be judged, but judging by the reactions on PostSecret there is a lot more sympathy and understanding for a lot of the things we fear to speak aloud. Why are we so willing to divulge the deepest, darkest part of our selves to someone unknown?

And why is it that sometimes we can relate on such a deeper level to someone anonymous than to the ones that are closest to us? I've been carrying on an anonymous email conversation lately with someone and have discovered that this person is far more akin to myself than I ever would have expected, especially because I have gotten the distinct impression in my life that people like this are rare.