Letting Go of the Past

I find it interesting that people can be so contradictory. Seemingly mature and responsible, but yet unable to take responsibility for themselves emotionally. Claiming to be happy with where they are in the present yet complain almost constantly about something from their past that they wish had never happened. It seems like a contradiction in terms to me because, without that past that you so despise, you would not be where you are now. So, which is the lie? If you really are content with the present, then the only thing to do is to reconcile your feelings regarding your past.

I sincerely feel that there should be a statute of limitations on how long you can complain about something from your past. It helps no one if you continue to harp on something that you cannot change, especially not yourself. I understand the need to vent, to rant, to complain, to even work through your issues by talking about it (often repeatedly). That's not the kind of thing I'm referring to. Rather, it's when someone is figuratively banging their head against a wall instead of moving forward. There is a point where complaining is no longer appropriate and action needs to be taken.

I've grown up knowing the definition of 'crazy' to be this:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

I think that point of too much complaining and not enough problem solving is a perfect example of this quote. I've known people who do this for a long period of time. They are dissatisfied with something in their lives, either their present or their past and yet refuse to do anything to change the intolerable situation. I find it hard to be sympathetic to their plight once it becomes apparent that they are not doing anything to help themselves.

It all comes down to the fact that you are in charge of your life. You can change what is wrong in your life. Some things are easier to change than others... like your past. There is nothing you can do to change the past, except the way you view it. It seems so many people get stuck on something. Something they wish they could change, something they wish had never happened. People get wrapped up in regret....

But I don't believe in regret. I don't think it helps us. I think it hinders growth, it holds us back. And it's a good thing I don't believe in regret either, because I would have a lot to regret if I did. My past remains in the past where it should stay. It doesn't mean it's gone, it doesn't mean I've forgotten it. It just means that I don't let it hold me back from moving forward in my life.

As I told a friend in a letter a few months back:

Learn to let things go. There are a lot of hurts in life. I know, I've had my fair share. Letting go does not mean the hurt entirely goes away, but it does mean you can move on without carrying so much weight. You will cry less, I can almost guarantee it. It also doesn't mean you entirely forget all the hurts, but rather find a way to not dwell on them, to loosen their hold on your heart. If you hang onto every hurt (big or small), think how much harder it will be to cope ten years from now when the hurts have multiplied.

 I sincerely hope that anyone who reads this can learn to let go of whatever is holding them back in their life.

Children of Divorce

A friend of mine over the course of a few months recently kept saying something that kind of bugged me. The first time she said it, I took it as part of the context of our conversation without taking any offense. However, she repeated it the next few times I saw her as well. And it started to bug me. Why was she feeling the need to say this? Why to me?

"I'm so glad my parents are still together." 

To some that might sound totally innocuous, but to me and my other friends who are children of divorce it is offensive. Especially because in the situations that we come from, we all know that our parents are not good together or good for each other.So, why would we want them to stay together?

I've had friends whose parents did stay together for the kids and, when they found out as teenagers, they were horrified. They would have far rather had their parents be apart and happy than together and unhappy. 

Personally, I feel that I have gained a lot from the fact that my parents aren't together. I am wiser and stronger for having dealt with everything I have. I am painfully aware that things are not perfect, relationships don't always work. I've also had the amazing privilege (as have my friends) of having surrogate families who were the example of what my parents were not, who loved me as one of their own even though blood ties did not require it. Someone please tell me how that is a bad thing?

I know this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. However, I am sure that anyone who is not okay with their parents' divorce doesn't want to hear my friend's statement either. It strikes a nerve.

I tried to figure out why this bothers me so much and I think a large part of it has to do with the fact that a large part of my identity stems from being a child of divorce. It affects who I am and the way I am. I do not let it define me entirely, but it is also not something I can ignore.

I am happy with who I am for the most part and I know that, if I had not been through all the things I have to date, I would not be the same person. Granted, I have issues stemming from my parents not being together (mostly due to my dad not being around), but I still wouldn't change anything for the world. I am stronger, I am wiser. I've learned so much from having to deal with a parent who was effectively AWOL and guilt-ridden. While there is a price to be paid for being a child of divorce, there is something to be gained from it as well.

I would rather dwell on the good than the bad. 

Contemplating Ideas

I don't even know where to start. I have so much I want to address right now: TiMER and all the issues it brings up; how conflict can be a good thing; taking responsibility for one's life and actions; not living in the past (this might be more related to 'taking responsibility'); and the good that can come from divorce.

That last one may sound weird, but there is a reason this comes up. More to come soon...

A thoughtful pause

Much as I would love to be continuing on with the philosophical bent of my life and this blog, it just seems that does not come up as frequently as it once did. Instead, I find myself wanting to keep a record of my more recent efforts to find a job teaching overseas. This has proved to be challenging, not least because of my lack of experience in this area.

It seems every time I get my hopes up about a current opportunity looking my way, be it in Georgia (the Republic, not the state), Mexico, or South Korea, something gets me quite unnerved about what is facing me. It is not that I am afraid of change, or a challenge. On the contrary, I welcome the adventure. However, recruiters and recruiting companies may sound good and seem very genuine, but then there are the reviews. Both good and bad... mostly bad. Then there's the actual schools, horror stories abound there, too. Yet, so many of these people who choose to teach overseas are woefully unqualified (I'm one of them) and looking for an easy way to see the world. Their passion isn't teaching, it's themselves. It makes me wonder how much of these terrible reviews I've been reading I should really believe. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt, but it's a little overwhelming. So what's a girl to do?

South Korea is actually sounding the most dodgy to me these days. At least the program in Georgia I can excuse simply for going through growing pains. Much as the situation was not sounding ideal--thanks to my friend relaying what was happening as she tried to convince me to join her--I could understand a lot of it and would be far more comfortable dealing with the oddities of a Slavic culture than, say, a country where in the private schools you have the potential to have your passport stolen... by your boss. The Mexican teaching internship I applied for was problematic simply due to my own financial situation, not from any sketchy business that I could detect.

I normally trust my gut, but to be honest, these days I'm not sure my gut knows which way is up. I've had very positive interactions with the recruiting people I've spoken to, yet they obviously need to be able to gain your trust in order to ship you off to one of the schools they work with (for). Who can you really trust?

I applied to at least three different recruiting companies within a day or two of each other. Initially, I only heard back from one. Local, quite small. I appreciated that I had been contacted so quickly and not lost in the shuffle like might be the case with bigger recruitment companies. But, now I can smell the desperation. I was told there was to be a 'screening interview'. Fair enough, I'm hoping these schools want people who actually want to teach, not just able bodies with the minimum requirements. However, that 'interview' turned into basically just a pitch of what he was able to offer me in terms of his services.

Then there was contact #2, they too wished to set up a screening interview. This time I actually had an interview, one that included a role-play teaching exercise. Impressive. I figured they might actually have good intentions based on this. I was told I would hear back from them within a few days regarding whether they were willing to help me or not. I was expecting more or less a simple "yes" or "no" before moving on to the next step: finding a school. As luck would have it, they agreed I was a worthy candidate.... for Chungdahm. Wait... what? I went from screening interview to actual position-finding immediately. I did some digging and found a link between the two. It would seem recruiter #2 works for this school. Not surprising, I suppose. But it does give me pause as to whether this is worth following through with, especially since a lot of the information about the school makes me nervous. Yes, lots of bad experiences, but also a few insights into how the school itself works. Philosophy. Yes. As a method for teaching English to Koreans. Ummm...

Recruiter #3 I've had mixed reviews for from the beginning. Yes, they're big, and there have been complaints about that. But there has also been a lot of people who are seemingly happy with their placements. These guys I've been holding at bay for a bit while trying to figure out what is going on with the other two. I may just see where this goes and maybe I'll get somewhere that doesn't make me cringe, or maybe I'll walk away entirely. ...but perhaps not before testing out one last agency: Teach ESL Korea. All I've found so far on them is a blog detailing one woman's experience with the job search process up until the point of departure. After that, there is silence. So, unfortunately, I'm not sure that she was still satisfied once she'd finally arrived in Korea. If anyone who by chance reads this has any information on Teach ESL Korea as a recruiter, please leave a comment to let me know what you think of them. Good or bad, I want to hear it.

The more I deal with all of this, the more I'd rather deal with trying my best to find a job in Canada, even if that means temping for the next year and a half. Besides, I'm actually rather enjoying my current temp job. It beats the hell out of spending my days at home typing up cover letters and mailing off resumes.

However, there does appear to be a bright spot in all this murkiness: Maple Leaf School in Surabaya, Indonesia. So far, I haven't found anything truly bad about this place. It is run by a woman who is Canadian-educated, if not actually Canadian herself, and goes by the Ontario school curriculum, i.e. no totally foreign concept of teaching to adjust to on top of being in a foreign country.